


the new face of failure

by sadrobotboy (bruisesandcontusions)



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: Fisting, i am a Filthy Sinner, i am so fucking sorry about this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-29
Updated: 2015-08-29
Packaged: 2018-04-17 20:51:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4681076
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bruisesandcontusions/pseuds/sadrobotboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>aka the ot4 fisting fic</p>
            </blockquote>





	the new face of failure

**Author's Note:**

> i...... have nothing to say. it has taken me over a year to write this, and let it be said that i am not proud, but i am happy to have finished it. also, i was too embarrassed to let anyone beta this so all mistakes are mine

Ryan always wants more. 

Spencer remembers the first time, remembers Ryan shaking and sobbing from the stretch of four fingers but still begging _"please, Spencer, more, please, I can take it."_ Spencer had shaken his head, so scared of hurting him, and Ryan had begged and pleaded until finally, finally... And then he had looked up at Spencer with damp eyes, so _full_ but so far from breaking, and Spencer still remembers the sound of his _thankyou_ s. 

Now he drizzles lube over his hand, rubbing his thumb through the sticky mess already coating his fingers, and barely pauses to press a kiss to the inside of Ryan's thigh before pushing in deep and then deeper. He knows Ryan can take it, has long since lost the jolt of surprise in his stomach when the heel of his hand slips through and Ryan is full. Ryan still makes the same noises, not pained but overwhelmed, gasping and keening in the back of his throat. 

He looks up at Brendon with huge, unfocused eyes, and it's there on the tip of his tongue, _"more, more, please."_ All that comes out is a drawn out moan as Spencer's knuckles drag against his insides, but Brendon knows. He always knows and Ryan's so, so grateful for it, mouth falling open and waiting as Brendon straddles his chest and pushes inside. 

Ryan's so open like this, so wide and wanting and it used to scare Spencer sometimes, the amount of desperation that lives inside Ryan. Now though, he pulls back until his thumb slips loose again and revels in the noises Ryan makes when he pushes back in, legs falling further apart as he urges Spencer in deeper. It's beautiful and it's terrifying and Spencer is glad they're the only people in the world that Ryan trusts enough to stitch him back together again afterwards. 

Jon's fingers trace patterns across Ryan's ribs, reminding his lungs to keep expanding, and he presses small kisses to his stomach whenever Ryan whines around Brendon's cock. Spencer reaches over to touch his side, thanking him, and Jon smiles over at him and leans down for a kiss. Ryan whines at the sudden loss of attention, and Jon huffs out a laugh against Spencer's lips, wrapping a hand around Ryan's cock, red and straining against his stomach despite the stretch. 

Jon only has to suck the head into his mouth before Ryan is coming, clenching down around Spencer's hand while Jon pulls off quickly so it lands on his stomach. Brendon runs a hand through the mess, replacing his cock with his sticky fingers in Ryan's mouth so he can jerk off over Ryan's face, admiring Ryan's cheekbones and wide, wet eyes. 

Spencer pulls out slowly, knowing this is the part Ryan hates, the sudden emptiness. He watches Jon kiss Ryan's collarbone and his neck and his cheek, and when Brendon's come streaks across his jaw, Ryan's eyes are still huge and grateful. 

~~ 

Brendon just wants to please. 

Wide-eyed desperation doesn't come naturally to him, still too many walls built up inside of him to let anyone see him that vulnerable, but he has earnestness in spades and only knows how to love in gestures. For Brendon, it's not about fear of letting them down, more about proving himself, showing how much he's willing to give them. 

Ryan understands it better than Spencer does, spreading Brendon's legs wider and lathing wide strokes with his tongue, and that's rare, that Ryan's grasp on human nature is more encompassing than Spencer's, that he's able to remove himself from a situation for long enough to truly understand what someone else is feeling. There's something about Brendon, though, an open willingness to let people in just far enough, and Ryan has always been particularly susceptible to it. 

(That, and the fact that Spencer has never had to work for affection, to bend over backwards just for someone to love him.) 

Ryan bites at the curve of Brendon's ass, and really, it's never been a surprise that they work so well together. 

"Can i do four?" Ryan asks. His voice is husky, and Spencer knows how turned on he is by this, taking Brendon apart, returning the favour. "Can you take it, Brendon?" 

Brendon _squirms_ , nodding into the pillow he's been biting at while Ryan fingered him so slowly and carefully it was almost painful to watch. 

"Please," he gasps, and that's another thing about Brendon: he's never scared to make himself heard. 

He moans loud and raw when Ryan twists his hand to slide his pinkie finger inside, the arch of his back curving even deeper. Spencer runs his hand along Brendon's spine, counting each nub of bone beneath his fingers. Brendon is sweating and pushing back onto Ryan's hand and Spencer thinks that this has always been more than just sex for Brendon. 

"God, they look gorgeous," Jon whispers in Spencer's ear, his own voice low and hoarse. 

His hands slide from where they're wrapped around Spencer's chest down across his stomach, scratching gently. Spencer keens and grinds back into Jon a little, sighing happily when Jon's hand wraps around his cock. He watches as Ryan's thumb traces the edge of where Brendon is already stretched and slick - Jon had fucked him with a vibrator earlier, and Brendon had sighed happily when Spencer had pushed inside afterwards, even though he had already come twice. 

Now he whines and spreads his legs further, almost drowning out Ryan's whispered _"can I? can I?"_ against his thigh. It doesn't matter anyway - they all know what Ryan is asking, and they all know that Brendon will say yes. 

Ryan reaches under Brendon's stomach for his cock first, touching him for the first time since they started this. Brendon keens high in his throat, gasping out a litany of all their names, and he barely seems to notice when Ryan pulls his hand back just enough to ease his thumb beneath the rest of his fingers, the hot wet sounds of the stretch and slide as he pushes back in muffled under Brendon's reverent pleas. 

Spencer's eyes slide shut as he moans quietly, focusing on the rough callouses of Jon's fingers around his cock. All of this is so intense, even from a distance, and Spencer is glad Ryan knows what he's doing here. 

"Watch them, Spencer," Jon whispers, sounding awed and delighted. "Look how pretty they are like this." 

Spencer forces his eyes open just in time to see Brendon's entire body jerk forward as he spills into Ryan's hand, biting down hard on his lower lip, face screwed up as Ryan strokes him through it. 

His knees are trembling afterwards; Ryan doesn't take his time with pulling out his hand, but he rolls Brendon over carefully, wiping a tissue between his legs while Brendon blinks up at the rest of them, wide-eyed and sated. 

"You're so good," Spencer tells him, and Ryan grins at him just as Jon's thumb presses against the sensitive spot on the underside of Spencer's cock and he shudders and comes, pressing his head back against Jon's shoulder and biting at his neck. 

When he comes back down to reality, Jon is petting his stomach and Ryan is plastered across Brendon's chest, whispering low and secretive in his ear. Spencer doesn't know what Ryan is telling him, can only imagine how Ryan knows the words to make Brendon sigh and blush and bite sleepily at Ryan's jaw. It's almost too personal to watch, Ryan's hands so soft and pale against Brendon's face, eyes careful and solemn. 

Jon's arms wrap around Spencer's waist from behind, resting his chin on Spencer's shoulder and watching Brendon carefully. "Good boy, Brendon," he says, voice gentle, and Brendon preens, grinning over at them while Ryan nuzzles into his neck. 

"Yeah?" he asks hopefully, eyes bright with the praise, and Jon nods. 

"Yeah." 

~~ 

Spencer cannot let go. 

He wants to do more, wants to rid himself of his inhibitions and transcend the monotony of his usual routine and all the other bullshit Ryan spouts from his ridiculous self-help books; he wants to feel dangerous and desperate and desired. Deep down he wants to know how Ryan feels when he's stretched out and open and letting himself fall. 

Spencer wants to push at his own limits until he can feel them bend and snap. 

He gets embarrassed about it; his cheeks heating up at the thought of letting himself go, letting someone else take over. It's not that he doesn't trust them - they're his band, they've seen him fall apart over and over and never let him down yet - but he's scared of being the broken piece, unable to stop thinking for long enough to let them in. He tells himself he can't run the risk of ruining things, that whatever they have is more important than his own desires, but it doesn't make him want it any less. 

It's Jon who guesses right in the end. 

Of course it is: he always seems to know Spencer better than he knows himself, but unlike Ryan he's never scared to say it out loud. He never worries about saying the wrong thing and being pushed away, he just leans in one day and breathes hot and secretive against Spencer's ear, "I wanna fuck you open." 

Spencer shivers bodily but he doesn't pull away. 

Jon pulls him into bed with an expectant smile, and Spencer isn't quite sure what they're promising here. He tucks his fingers around the backs of his knees, holding himself open for Jon, and waits to see what Jon wants from him. 

Jon is there. Jon is warm and safe and Spencer trusts him more than he knew was possible before they all fell into this tangled web of feelings and touches that mean more than words alone can say. Spencer lets Jon kiss his stomach and bite at his thighs and slide a slick finger inside him, and he forces himself to breathe slow and deep, relaxing every muscle in his body. It's not that Spencer doesn't like getting fucked as much as the rest of them, even if he doesn't take it quite as often, but this feels like something more and Jon seems to understand that. Jon always understands, always seems to know what Spencer wants before he's let himself work it out, and he knows when it's okay to push. 

Spencer thinks once again about how lucky they are to have met Jon, and then Jon is twisting another finger inside of him and Spencer can't think of anything other than _yes, more, please_. 

Jon is so careful that it almost hurts, the slow burn easing into hitched breaths and cut off pleas as he curls his fingers against Spencer's prostate and strokes circles into Spencer's knee. Spencer moans quietly, breathing quickening because he knows, _fuck_ , he knows he wants it now, before he gets too scared and changes his mind. 

"Please," he says, _"Please,"_ and it's enough. 

Jon's eyes widen and he says "Shit, Spencer, are you sure?" and Spencer just nods, biting his lip and riding his hips down onto Jon's three fingers. He imagines how five must feel, how the stretch and the width will taste inside his chest, and he _wants_. 

Four is already a lot, more than Spencer usually takes before getting fucked, and Jon is careful with it, watching Spencer's face as he stacks his fingers under each other to reduce the stretch, to make it more bearable. Spencer would appreciate the gesture more if he wasn't too busy feeling raw and open, filthy and desirable at the same time. 

It's terrifying in a way, the continued exposure and Jon's unbreaking gaze, but he doesn't feel like he's going to break. He feels so full, like he's dangling on the precipice of something, but he still wants more. He wants Jon to tip him over the edge and he doesn't want to look back. 

He whines and feels his muscles clench and relax, telling Jon to hurry up. Jon flexes and widens his fingers and that's it, there, the edge slipping away under him. Spencer groans. 

It hurts when Jon presses in with all five fingers, a sharp sting and throb of pain that has Spencer wincing and gasping. Jon strokes his stomach, looking up at him with steady, measured eyes. The question hangs there - _do you want to stop?_ \- and Spencer knows Jon would never make him do anything that was too much, not if he really didn't want to. 

He considers it as the burn begins to subside, biting his lip and trying not to move. He shakes his head. Jon's eyes widen just a little. 

"Okay," he tells Spencer softly, twisting his hand so his knuckles brush right where Spencer wants them. "Okay, Spencer." 

Spencer's ready to come the moment the thickest part of Jon's hand slides through; he feels like he shouldn't still be so hard after all the pain and the intensity, but he is, painfully so. He's practically ready to burst with it, and just when he thinks he can't take any more Jon's hand is on his cock, stroking rough then slow, and he's mouthing up over Spencer's balls, his eyes still locked with Spencer's. 

"Next time," Jon says, and it's more of a whisper than anything, lips pressed firm against the base of Spencer's cock, "Ryan and Brendon should be here too. You - fuck, Spencer, you look so good right now." 

Spencer can feel tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as he throws his head back against the cushions, hips thrashing wildly as comes in Jon's hand. He swears he blacks out for a moment at the intensity of it, and he can still feel the thick, heavy weight of Jon's fist inside of him as he clenches down, sparks flying behind his eyelids. It's far too much, but the fullness feels like a comfort somehow, almost like an anchor. 

Jon calms him down afterwards, his clean hands soft and warm against Spencer's stomach and across his ribs as he holds Spencer close to him. 

"I mean it," he tells Spencer, his voice gentle, "you should let the others see you like this." Spencer stiffens a little and Jon kisses the back of his neck. "You're not going to break, Spencer. We won't let you." 

Spencer nods slowly, focusing on the steady pace of Jon's breathing, and falls gradually into sleep. 

~~ 

Jon says _I love you_ and means it. 

He whispers it against Brendon's collar bone; he gasps it into Ryan's mouth as he kisses him, hard and possessive; he moans it out loud when Spencer sinks down onto his cock, his fingernails scratching down Jon's chest. Jon loves freely and honestly, but he doesn't ever feel the need to prove his love, not in the way Brendon does. He has no fear of breaking apart the four of them, or being too little or too much. 

Jon just loves them, simply and irrevocably, and he trusts them to the ends of the earth. Spencer knows that it scares Ryan, his unending selfless love, that it soothes Brendon's jittering nerves and placates his need to prove himself. 

Spencer's not sure quite how he feels about it himself. He just knows that Jon is a constant, calming island in the frantic oceans of their daily lives, and that without him whatever the four of them have would surely collapse. That before him, they could never have managed this, because they were still waiting for Jon to complete them. 

Spencer slides the cock ring onto Jon early in the evening, leaning down to kiss him slow and strong on their king-sized bed. He strokes a hand across Jon's chest, scraping a fingernail over his nipple and enjoying the way Jon arches up into his touch, his tongue soft and clever in Spencer's mouth. When Spencer pulls away, Brendon is right there between Jon's legs, suckling at the head of his cock as he pushes Jon's thighs up and apart. Jon tucks his fingers under his knees automatically, but Brendon shakes his head, pulling off Jon's cock and tapping his ass. 

"Flip over. I've got an idea." 

Spencer turns and sees Ryan watching them, his eyes wide as he takes it all in. Spencer smiles at him, greedy and not at all careful, and Ryan's mouth twitches up at the corners as he leans in to kiss Spencer. Ryan has a sinful tongue to match his often filthy mouth, but Spencer manages to pull away after a minute or so, biting Ryan's bottom lip when he pouts. He wants to see what Brendon has planned for Jon. 

It's a rare night like this, where they get Jon spread out kneeling on the mattress, his ass in the air and his chin nestled happily in the crook of his arms. Open and willing and waiting for whatever they want to give him. 

From this angle, Spencer can clearly see as Brendon twists the end of the plug that Jon's been wearing all day, a delighted expression on his face when Jon moans. Spencer settles back against the headboard, tugging Ryan next to him, and watches expectantly. 

Brendon slicks his hand up with lube before pulling the plug out, and he's right there when the thickest part pulls through, keeping Jon stretched with three fingers. Spencer knows Brendon will happily finger Jon for hours - has watched him do it before - so he's surprised when Brendon adds another finger after less than five minutes, the noises Jon's making growing in pitch and volume at the added stretch. 

"I want to fist you," he tells Jon, his voice rough but confident, not blushing or stumbling over the words. The matter-of-fact tone sends a shiver of anticipation down Spencer's spine before he even processes what Brendon has said. 

Ryan stiffens beside him, and Spencer rests a hand on his thigh, squeezing almost imperceptibly. 

"Can I?" Brendon asks, and Spencer can tell he's trying hard not to beg, to let this be Jon's decision. "Jon, I - can I, please?" 

"Yes," Jon says, almost immediately. If anything, Ryan's muscles grow even more tense under Spencer's palm. 

"Jon..." he starts, breaking off when Jon looks up at him, his brown eyes bright and reassuring. 

"You can do it, Brendon," Jon nods into the crook of his arms, still maintaining eye contact with Ryan. "I want to, I want. Just. I've never - before," he admits, and Spencer is more than a little surprised. 

Logically he knows that Jon hadn't slept with a great many people before them, let alone guys, and that this isn't exactly an everyday activity (even if Ryan would claim otherwise). But Jon has always been the oldest and the most experienced among them, and the fact that he's never done this - that he's letting _them_ do this for the first time - that means... something. 

Spencer reaches forwards to touch his fingers to Jon's face, fingers fanning his cheek from his mouth to his eyelid. 

"We'll be careful," he promises, widening his eyes meaningfully at Brendon over Jon's back. Brendon makes a _who, me?_ face, but Jon just smiles crookedly up at Spencer, sucking his thumb into his mouth. 

"I trust you," he tells Spencer simply, and finally, finally, he feels Ryan begin to relax next to him. 

Brendon wastes no time in coating his hand with more lube. He's careful opening Jon up though - more careful that Spencer knew to give credit to him for - and Spencer knows because he's watching it all, taking everything in, unable to look away. Brendon's long, thick fingers, and the way the heel of his hand presses against Jon's perineum, how he twists his entire hand to make Jon whine and shake. 

Ryan is whispering in Jon's ear, just loud enough to be heard over the sticky, desperate noises which means he wants them to hear, wants them to know how pretty Jon will look when he's full and stretched, how good it feels to let go and just _take it_ , how Ryan wants to watch Jon fall apart with Brendon's fist inside of him. 

Ryan and Jon are gorgeous when they kiss, and Spencer's torn between watching the two of them or focusing on Brendon's knuckles sinking into Jon, his gaze flicking back and forth like a high-speed tennis match. 

He reaches down underneath Jon's stomach to check, but Jon isn't even hard, and he jolts when Spencer touches his cock, whining high in his throat. 

"Too - too much," Jon grits out as Ryan strokes a hand through his hair. Brendon pauses the motion of his hand, and there's a communal holding of breath, waiting and wondering, until Jon says _"please, please, don't fucking stop now."_

Spencer watches the way Ryan kisses his forehead, soothing away the creases, until Brendon does something that drags a low, pleased sound out of Jon, his legs spreading a fraction wider on the bed. Spencer runs a steady hand down his back, realising suddenly that he's forgotten what he's meant to be doing, too caught up in watching the others. 

Jon turns away from nuzzling into Ryan's neck to bite gently at Spencer's wrist, staring up at him with something less like gratitude, more like contentment. 

"Can i blow you?" Jon asks, his voice low, and Spencer just nods, his head falling back against the headboard at the first touch of Jon's lips to his cock. 

Whenever Jon moans, it reverberates through Spencer and he digs his fingers into Jon's hair, his nails scratching lightly. He wonders, suddenly, who’s really in control here at all. 

Jon's eyes open a few moments before Spencer comes, and it's the intensity of his gaze that pushes Spencer over the edge, pulling back enough that his come spills out around the edges of Jon's mouth. Jon keeps sucking at the head until Spencer has to push him away; he smiles, wiping at his mouth, before his face contorts into a moan. 

"I think that's enough now, Brendon," Spencer comments when he regains his ability to speak. 

Brendon frowns, but then he's biting at Jon's ass, tugging the heel of his hand free slowly, carefully, kissing along the bottom of Jon's spine. Jon's face still pinches with pain, but his eyes are soft as he kisses Spencer's thighs, Ryan's cheek, whatever soft skin he can lay his lips on. 

Spencer watches Brendon come over Jon's ass, splattering his thighs, and he finally gets the chance to kiss Jon, long and hard, fingers framing his face. Jon tastes like Ryan and he smiles against Spencer's mouth, sighing happily. Spencer can relate. 

Ryan fucks Jon afterwards and Spencer's still watching, plastered to Jon's side, running a hand across his sweaty chest and rutting against his hip occasionally. Jon's mouth opens prettily around gasps and his eyes flutter shut, and Spencer wonders if he can even feel it, if there's any friction left or if the intensity is simply too much. 

"I love you," Jon says, and Spencer nods, Ryan kisses his neck, and Brendon just smiles, tugging the ring gently off of Jon's cock. 

"We love you too." 

Jon buries his face in Spencer's shoulder as he comes, and Spencer holds him close, counting their canon heartbeats and listening to the four of them breathe.


End file.
